Tuesday, November 29, 2011

BACK TO THE MOSH PIT

As my oncologist explained to me my current situation she reminded me of the voice of the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons. The MRI brain scan showed 5 new lesions in my cerebellum this time .My latest PET shows that I now have a new lemon sized tumor in my liver, a new one in my breast and one on my rib.After that she sounded like she was in another room talking to someone else.The problem with the drugs that I have been getting is that they don't cross the blood brain barrier , so sneaky little cansir bastard cells creep in to your bone marrow and go there to set up camp.  So once again I am facing SRS Surgery (radiation to the head) probably around the 2nd week of December. I can't even explain what this does to my head. Last time I felt like I was was walking in the clouds for about 2 months.For a moment I thought we would be trying new chemo drugs,that would cross the barrier and  wouldn't make my hair fall out again, but when they told me what I had to pay equaled $7000 month , I thought I would throw up. Apparently, because the new chemo is in pill form it isn't covered like the other drugs I have had  by infusion. I was also considered for a clinical trial to get the new super drugs, but wasn't accepted to the trial because I am  now what they call on 2nd line treatment. So I am hoping that the FDA will approve it before this stuff kills me. Our healthcare system is so messed up .Apparently the wonderful herceptin and tamoxifen that I am on has stopped working. When I have drugs by infusion it is a whole process. I go to the lab, blood is taken, if all of the numbers are ok, I am hooked up to an IV and my meds are inserted over about a 4 hour span. I used to call it my spa day. Now I call it my bullshit day!! The drugs that I am on now, make me feel like I am in a war zone.Now I have to get them once a week again. I start feeling better by about day 5 so I have approximately 2 good days a week. I pay a fortune for my health insurance and it gets more expensive about every 3 months. They keep raising my premium hoping they can force me out. Just in case you are curious, my insurance claims average about $250,000. so far this year. So the insurance guys want me gone. I mean I always knew that this day would come, but you never quite expect it and it never seems like it has been so long since this whole thing started. So here I go again, a new challenge. I started back on Taxol the day before Thanksgiving.I spent about 24 hours in bed after that. It just so happens that I have some kind of virus on top of everything else. I AM EXHAUSTED!!  & I should have a nice bald head again for Christmas. All I know for sure is that THIS SUCKS!!!!! I HATE CANSIR!!!
 I have finally made a decision to put my business on hold again as cansir has become my new career, I was at the doctor or treatment for approx 20 hours or so the past 2 weeks and have needed to sleep the rest of the time. My oncologist sent me to a new doctor at the Mayo clinic, he was wonderful but didn't really tell me anything that I don't already know. I must make a serious effort to avoid stress and to spend this time with my family. Stress plays a big role in this ugly disease, I didn't believe it before, but now I do. For now my life is at the mercy of drugs that will kill the cansir and probably me eventually .Another one of the women in my support group died a few days ago. She fought so hard. This makes about 5 since my dx.2 years ago. Did I mention before that the prognosis for people dx with stage IV BC usually is about 36 months? I figure I have had 24 good ones so far, so technically this could be the last year of my life.I mean I don't know that for sure, but how can I not think about it. I have a 4 year old for God's sake, how am I supposed to explain this mess to him. Whoever wrote the song about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing never had cansir and a 4 year old that will be left motherless again  and a husband who will be left alone to pick up the pieces. I hate that song, it is bullshit!!
 I apologize for the negativity in this post, but this is how I feel. I am searching for the blessing in all of this, I am sure there must be one somewhere.
So for now, I am fighting to put this damn disease back in remission. God Help Me!!!

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