Tuesday, November 29, 2011


As my oncologist explained to me my current situation she reminded me of the voice of the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons. The MRI brain scan showed 5 new lesions in my cerebellum this time .My latest PET shows that I now have a new lemon sized tumor in my liver, a new one in my breast and one on my rib.After that she sounded like she was in another room talking to someone else.The problem with the drugs that I have been getting is that they don't cross the blood brain barrier , so sneaky little cansir bastard cells creep in to your bone marrow and go there to set up camp.  So once again I am facing SRS Surgery (radiation to the head) probably around the 2nd week of December. I can't even explain what this does to my head. Last time I felt like I was was walking in the clouds for about 2 months.For a moment I thought we would be trying new chemo drugs,that would cross the barrier and  wouldn't make my hair fall out again, but when they told me what I had to pay equaled $7000 month , I thought I would throw up. Apparently, because the new chemo is in pill form it isn't covered like the other drugs I have had  by infusion. I was also considered for a clinical trial to get the new super drugs, but wasn't accepted to the trial because I am  now what they call on 2nd line treatment. So I am hoping that the FDA will approve it before this stuff kills me. Our healthcare system is so messed up .Apparently the wonderful herceptin and tamoxifen that I am on has stopped working. When I have drugs by infusion it is a whole process. I go to the lab, blood is taken, if all of the numbers are ok, I am hooked up to an IV and my meds are inserted over about a 4 hour span. I used to call it my spa day. Now I call it my bullshit day!! The drugs that I am on now, make me feel like I am in a war zone.Now I have to get them once a week again. I start feeling better by about day 5 so I have approximately 2 good days a week. I pay a fortune for my health insurance and it gets more expensive about every 3 months. They keep raising my premium hoping they can force me out. Just in case you are curious, my insurance claims average about $250,000. so far this year. So the insurance guys want me gone. I mean I always knew that this day would come, but you never quite expect it and it never seems like it has been so long since this whole thing started. So here I go again, a new challenge. I started back on Taxol the day before Thanksgiving.I spent about 24 hours in bed after that. It just so happens that I have some kind of virus on top of everything else. I AM EXHAUSTED!!  & I should have a nice bald head again for Christmas. All I know for sure is that THIS SUCKS!!!!! I HATE CANSIR!!!
 I have finally made a decision to put my business on hold again as cansir has become my new career, I was at the doctor or treatment for approx 20 hours or so the past 2 weeks and have needed to sleep the rest of the time. My oncologist sent me to a new doctor at the Mayo clinic, he was wonderful but didn't really tell me anything that I don't already know. I must make a serious effort to avoid stress and to spend this time with my family. Stress plays a big role in this ugly disease, I didn't believe it before, but now I do. For now my life is at the mercy of drugs that will kill the cansir and probably me eventually .Another one of the women in my support group died a few days ago. She fought so hard. This makes about 5 since my dx.2 years ago. Did I mention before that the prognosis for people dx with stage IV BC usually is about 36 months? I figure I have had 24 good ones so far, so technically this could be the last year of my life.I mean I don't know that for sure, but how can I not think about it. I have a 4 year old for God's sake, how am I supposed to explain this mess to him. Whoever wrote the song about skydiving and Rocky Mountain climbing never had cansir and a 4 year old that will be left motherless again  and a husband who will be left alone to pick up the pieces. I hate that song, it is bullshit!!
 I apologize for the negativity in this post, but this is how I feel. I am searching for the blessing in all of this, I am sure there must be one somewhere.
So for now, I am fighting to put this damn disease back in remission. God Help Me!!!

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