HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

As another year comes to a close, I find myself thinking about how blessed I have been . Things were pretty scary at the beginning of 2010. My future was so uncertain.
I now have 1 year as a cansir warrior under my belt. A lot of people use the word survivor, but I am still fighting so I think warrior is a better word. I have had the honor of meeting many more people just like me. They all have their own story to tell , some are very young and some are very old. Some of them talk to me, some won't, some think I am crazy. LOL!!! However, no matter what their circumstance I have learned so much from these brave people. I met a sweet lady during my radiation treatments who herself was diagnosed with breast cansir 3 years ago, the same year , her daughter was diagnosed with breast cansir and now her sweet husband is battling kidney cansir. I am lucky, she has been to hell and back. I have learned so much about myself this year. I have also learned that I have so many people that really love me. I am looking forward to 2011 with an anxious anticipation. I am so excited about the future . I am living my life 1 day at a time and hope to be the best person I can be for each one of them. So have the Happiest New Year that you can. I am going to.  Sending Love & Light your way.. xoxoxo..

Merry Christmas

I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. It has been 1 year since my dx. It has not been an easy one, but I must say, it has not been as as bad as you would imagine. I am still here and able to work and take care of my family. Which is more than I can say about some of my friends with this disease. One of the women that I have had chemo with since the beginning died a couple of weeks ago.  She had the same kind of cancer as me. You know the statistics say that 1 out of 5 people with stage IV breast cansir will not make the 5 year mark. Wow!!!! 5 years does not seem long enough.( I know cansir is spelled wrong , but I read that spelling it wrong takes away some of it's power.) I am determined to be here at least 20 years from now. New treatments are being developed every day and I pray that in my lifetime there will be a cure. As of right now, I am still in remission, YAY!!!! I had a great report from my oncologist on Fri. We will know more about the brain mets in Feb, when I have a new scan. I hope those suckers are gone! That was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I felt like I was walking around on Mars. If any of you had a crazy conversation with me, I apologize. My head is feeling much better now.
HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY& ENJOY EVERY MINUTE!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Oh my, where do I start. I cannot tell begin to tell you how thankful I am this year. For starters, I still here and starting to feel like my old self again. I finished  my radiation tx this morning and am so happy that is over. I  photographed 2 sessions today that were amazing. I just love my clients. My little boy looks up and just randomly says mommy , you are so cute!!! LOL!!!I know he was just trying to get his way, but I will remember that one forever. My husband still is and continues to be amazing throughout this. Did I mention how mean I have been .. Wow!!! he is really patient. So here it goes I am so thankful for.. God and all of the blessings in my life, my husband, my wonderful family, my friends, my sweet dog, my doctors, the sun, the moon, the rain, the trees, babies, children the bible, music, grass , flowers, chocolate, birthday cake, canon cameras, awesome lenses, all of my photographer friends, FPP, bright beginnings preschool., chemotherapy, radiation I could go on & on.
Here's wishing all you a wonderful and Blessed Thanksgiving... Love & Hugs,, Me

Feeling A Little Better

Wow, what a difference a couple of weeks make. I finally feel like I can do more than 1 thing at a time. That brain stuff is freaky.  I was and am still kind of shocked at how much it took out of me. I am finally getting some work done
For those of you that have known me for a while know how much of a workaholic I am. This little episode of my life has forced me to slow way down and realize that it is okay if I am not busy every single second of every day.  I am looking forward to a peaceful holiday season.
I just wanted to take a second to update, I am so hopeful that after my doctors appt. today, I  will be able to stop taking these steroids.  I can't wait to have my face back. LOL!!!!!
Have a love filled day. Find something that makes you the happiest and spend some time.  Sending Love & Light.

An Observation

Every day for the past 3 weeks I have attended some type of doctors appointment. Have you ever just sat and watched the people around you.  As I was waiting to have my therapy this morning I was watching all of the other people that have cancer too. There was a lovely couple sitting at the puzzle table, not saying a word to one another, but I could from across the room feel the love they had for each other. They were probably in their mid 60's. She was dressed in a hospital gown, so I am assuming that she was the sick one. I swear that I could feel his worry for her. They just sat there worked on the puzzle and enjoyed the moment. There is another man I also see every day. he cannot walk into therapy on his own and every day he has to wait for someone or a bus to pick him up when he is finished.  I am so lucky that i can still get there on my own.
Radiation therapy reminds me of a symphony. I lay on this table while the green and red lasers line themselves up with my body. There is always beautiful music playing. The lights from the green lasers do a little light show on the ceiling. Then quiet and you can hear the treatment. Only about 5 minutes and it is finished.  It is really kind of surreal.
I am always thinking about the other people that I have met since this all started. I hope and pray that many of them are still fighting and well, but I also worry when I don't see them . I wonder how their treatments are going or if they are going to make it.
Just an observation...

A Time to Rest & Pray

I have decided to take the next few weeks for some well needed rest and spiritual soul searching. I feel as if the Lord has been trying to get my attention for quite some time now. Thank goodness he is patient.  He has blessed my life in ways that I never thought were possible. I have been blessed with wonderful husband of 20 years, a beautiful boy that was born in a land that I never knew anything about until I got him.. A life experience that has taught how to love and be patient and kind. I have been surrounded by people that love me and would do anything to help me if I  would let them. I want to Thank everyone for helping to get over this hump. Joanna and Robin, you guys are amazing. thank you so much for caring about me so much. I know it hasn't been the easiest commmunicating with my craziness lately. Thank you to my wonderful, understanding clients and friends. You guys rock and have made my dream job, so amazing and fun. Here is another devtional from my favorite book.
FOCUS YOUR ENTIRE BEING on My living Presence. I am most assuredly with you, enveloping you in My Love and Peace. While you Relax in My Presence, I am molding your mind and cleansing your heart. I am recreating you into the one I designed you to be. As you move from stillness into the activities of your day, do not relinquish your attentiveness to Me. If something troubles you, talk it over with Me. If you get bored with what you are doing, fill your time with prayers and praise. When someone irritates you, don't let your thoughts linger on that person's faults. Gently nudge your mind back to me. Every moment is precious if you keep your fous on Me. Any day can be a good day, because My Presence permeates all time.
PSALM 89:15 1JOHN 3:19-20  JUDE 24-25  PSALM 41:12

MOSH PIT ANYONE

Although I have never experienced a mosh pit in person, I can only imagine how one must feel when the party is over. YAK!!!!  That is pretty much the way I am feeling today.  The lovely steroids that I  am taking to keep my brain swelling to minimum has caused me to gain 8 lbs in 2 weeks.  I also cannot sleep. I  hate to be a downer, but this has been probably one of the roughest weeks for me since this cancer stuff started.  Last week I had 2 brain scans with contrast, more x rays during the radiation surgery to my brain. Plus 5 radiation treatments to my thgoracic and lumbar spine. The grand finale was yesterday with a 2 hour chemotherapy treatment and let's not forget the wonderful faslodex shot to send my 46 year old body flying into menopause. OK, that's it for today. I promise I will not whine anymore. I am planning on getting back to work this week and trying to regain some type of normal in my life. I am hopeful that 3 weeks from now when my spinal radiation treatments are over that  I will feel much better. Until then I will keep up this fight. I will win this battle one way or another.  Sending Love & Light....

It's Over

Today's technology is so amazing. Yesterday I had stereotactic radiation surgery to my brain. It was not bad. I arrived at the center at 2:45, was taken back to a very peaceful treatment room There were about 8 different people in there making sure that I had the best of care.  Nora Jones was playing. It was actually quite relaxing. My face was placed in a plastic mesh mask and attached to a table so that it couldn't move during the radiation dosage. More planning and finally the treatments. No pain, jus a little pressure and discomfort from the tight mask. But as soon as it was removed, I was feeling better. Drove home , had yummy white pizza and beer.. Then night night, I don't really remember anything else until this morning. I was up once again at 5:00 to greet this amazing day that God has once again given me. I walked about 4 miles in the cool peacefulness. It is a wonderful life. Now I will wait and pray that  these tumors are leaving me for good.  Love & Light to all of you.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Did I mention that I have the most awesome cancer doctors on the planet? And the most awesome family & friends that  girl could ask for. Did I ever mention that I have placed all of my faith in God and that I know he will bring me through this stronger than ever before. Just in case I didn't here it is again..
I am embracing my situation, the radiosurgery is not going to be big deal, the tumors are very small  and I will walk out of there the same way I went in. I hope to be having my favorite white pizza & Bud light tommorrow night for dinner. If not, the Bud Light will be just fine too.
I am going to have my husband take a picture of me with my Silence of the Lambs mask on tommorrow.  I will post for all to see later on this weekend. LOL!!!
Sometimes, I think the cancer wants me to go crazy, but it is too late I already am. LOL!!!  So that said  F_ _K!!!! CANCER, you can't make me sad anymore.
Love ya all, I will keep you posted when I get back.. Keep the faith.

WHEN THINGS SEEM

to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in my capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me-- exhult in the God of your salvation!  As you trust in Me, I will make your feet like the feet of a deer. I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering or responsibility....
from Jesus Calling.. JOB 13:15   PSA:LM 18:33  HABAKKUK 3:17-19

T minus 10 and counting!!!

I am scheduled for stereotactic radiation brain surgery on Thursday. I will have the honor of being surrounded by an amazing staff of doctors. I will pretty much be surrounded by rocket scientist. There will be ( in my opinion the sweetest radiation oncologist alive on the planet . ) , but there will also be a neurosurgeon, a nuclear physicist and a few others . I am excited to learn more, because it seems that this alternative is going to awesome. No cutting, the surgery is al done with lasers. The success rates are phenominal. 9 out of 10 times the tumors will disappear and never come back to the same area. It will still probably take me a few weeks to get back to normal, but I am an eternal optimist, so I know it will be just fine. After it is over, I will be able to stop taking the steroids YAY!!!!!!!, maybe my face will shrink back to recognizable size... LOL!!!
Stay tuned for the next  episode of my trip to the moon!!!!!

Amazing and Wonderful People

I just had to take a moment to thank everyone for all of the love I can feel coming my way. Your prayers mean so much to me. An old friend sent me a message today that said, " Don't ever let anyone or anything ever take away your happiness " She is so right, I am going to try to remember this every day. Thank you Marty you have always been so awesome.
Tommorrow as another day begins, I will stand up, thank the Lord for all of the blessings in my life and start climbing that mountain to wellness once again. It is not going to be easy, but I can do it. How could I fail when I  have so many amazing and wonderful people in my corner.
Life is a gift and the angels we meet along the way are the beautiful packaging.. THANKS FOR ALL OF THE LOVE!!!!!!  XOXO!!!

Happy Halloween

I am invisioning a nasty little Satanic cancer cell.  Slowly and mysteriously creeping into peoples lives and turning what they thought was  perfect, completely upside down. this is by far the scariest costume I have ever had to wear.  Don't read this post the wrong way, I am totally lucid but just a little pissed off today. I am not sure if it is the steroids the situation or my brain. I feel as though I  need to keep a tiny bit of the anger present, so I  know what I am up against. Cancer is  life taker, it ruins families every day.  Who really knows what God's plans are for our lives. I understand that it is not God that has caused this complication, it is Satan and he is constantly trying to find weaknesses so he can get into our lives. Stand strong against cancer, keep walking, talking and tell everyone you know that cancer can't win!!!! I appreciate all of the walks, support  and love. I just know that someday, there will be cure, a 100% cure. Until then I plan to do everything in my power. Fight Like a Girl!!!!!!!! I will claim my victory over cancer!!!

Steroids & Scary Thoughts,,

I will start this post by praising my wonderful husband. I cannot believe that he has put up with my pissy attitude. The doctors say my 2 new friends, my brain lesions are on the parietal lobes of my brain which is affecting my emotions and my spatial awareness.
so I guess I kind of have an excuse to be a biotch!!  Besides the spots,( I will call them spots, it sounds  so much better than  tumor.) I am on steroids to keep my brain swellling at a minmum until my surgery next week. My face has swelled up like a full moon. My knees are swollen, I feel like CRAP!!!!!! I am also having daily radiation treatments to my spine with my chemotherapy every 3 weeks. But I once again am determined to kick this cancer to the curb. it is not going to be as easy this time, but I have God with me and amazing little boy ,who I don't know what will happen to if he loses me and a husband that loves me so much that he wishes he could take this damn cancer into his own body. So I am armed and ready for battle. Come on cancer, you met your match.
I will not let you destroy my family.

Chemo, Scans, Oncologist oh my!!!!!

I guess I can say that I feel very blessed to have the amazing arsenal of doctors taking care of me. They are all so wonderful. I started chemotherapy in January. the treatments weren't too too bad. I  had good days and really bad days, but I really tried to focus on healing and getting better. It took about 3 weeks after chemo for my hair to start falling out. That will freak a girl out!. Standing in the shower watching my golden locks fall to the drain reminded me a movie. even though, I knew it was all going to be gone, it still didn't seem like it was mine.  A very dreamy and shocking feeling. Other than hair loss, I lost all sense of taste . My sense of smell was amplified by about 10000%, I could smell everthing and most of the smells made me sick. YAK!!!! no cooking for cancer patients!!!!  I was very very blessed with my first treatment. I reached remission by April, was taken off of the taxol drugs, my hair started coming back and I was feeling wonderful.  I still  have  maintenance chemo every 3 weeks and take hormonals to keep my ovaries shut down. Hot flashes suck but are very much a part of my life. I was feeling good, back to living a pretty normal life, feeling like I was kickin cancer's ass
and then I crashed my car. Yep, you guessed it, that nasty cancer is now in my brain!!!! WTF!!!!! 10 months after the whole thing started, here we go again!!!

The first day of the rest of my life

On Dec.27th 2009 I was diagnosed with stageIV Breast Cancer. I must say that holiday season will probably be the most memorable one my life.  I discovered a lump in my right breast the week before Christmas. I'll never forget that trip to my gynecologist. He needle biopsied the lump, the whole time telling me that the edges seemed smooth and it was probably nothing. All of a sudden his face changed to a scary gray color. It was then I knew. the next couple of days were a blur. General surgeon immediately and then a vacuum assisted biopsy on Christmas Eve. Yep, it was cancer, they knew it, we didn't even have to wait for the biopsy to come back.  However, nothing could have preoared me for my next suprise. I had been having some stomach issues for a few weeks, my general doctor was testing me for gall bladder trouble. all of his test were coming up negative. So 2 days after Christmas I  had the most painful stomachache of my life.
went to ER and guess what more cancer, it was everywhere, my lungs, my liver, my bones. I  had 2 fractured ribs from a tumor , a fractured vertebrae and my liver was so full that my scan said all but replaced by tumor.  Happy New Year to me.