Saturday, February 11, 2012

Give me the beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away...

Sometimes I wish I could get lost or just wake up from this reality that I am forced to face every day.
Lately, I find myself weary. I am noticing that I don't feel as strong as I did with the first rounds of chemo.
My numbers are coming down, but I am completely exhausted and nauseas most of the time. I have treatment every 3 weeks now with a booster treatment on the in between weeks, when my blood is strong enough to handle it. So far I haven't had to have any booster treatment because my bloodwork keeps coming back a mess. Currently, I am on Abraxane, herceptin, carboplatin ( I call it barfoplatin, because that is how I feel for about 5 days after treatment.) and xgeva. They are working for now. I have finally accepted the fact that this stuff is not going to go away, I will have times when it is in remission, but the nature of it, it always comes back. I am not being pessimistic, I am just being realistic. I know miracles happen every day and still hope that there is one for me, but I need a plan just in case that don't happen.
I am now completely bald again and I think I have about 4 eyebrows left. I bought myself a pretty cute wig, but I hate the way it feels, I wear it sometimes when it is easier than trying to explain cansir to people.
Next week I am going to start putting scrapbooks together for Rocco.I have tried to do this on numerous occasions, but find myself paralyzed to think that this is how he will remember me. When this first started I used to think that I would live forever . I used to think that somehow God made a mistake, how could this happen to me, I just adopted a baby, I have a business, a husband, I have a life.. but cansir don't care and neither do the bastards that have poisoned our world. I was at lunch today and met a young girl 24 years old who has been battling lymphoma for about 5 years, she has been to hell and back. But just like me she has to go on. I pray that God blesses her sweet young life and that she can will have time to achieve her dreams.
 Every headache I get, Iwonder if it is a new tumor in my brain, every time I cough, I worry that I have a new tumor in my lung.  it never ends..THIS IS TURNING ME INTO A CRAZY or should I say ( CRAZIER PERSON)) LOL!!! I have new scans coming up in March, I will let you know how it goes.
Today, I found ou that I may possibly be back in remmission, my ca-15 blood test came back at 20, WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! I have all of my scans sceduled to restage, my cansir coming up in the next 2 weeks. My oncologist is confident that I am once again going into remission. (( PRAISE GOD for that ))). She also said that my body is pretty beat up from the chemo, so we are going to try to take a chemo break after my scans. I am sooo looking forward to this. So for now I am at peace, completely exhausted, but so happy for the sweet time I have been given..I pray for the strength to glorify him in some way. God is good all of the time, sometimes I don't think I understand his plan, but I have total confidence that he knows exactlty what he is doimg. I hope he forgives me for ever doubting his power..
Have a blessed weekend, I already have..

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